freshman year... 2!

12/11/2025
(2:14 AM) i jsut have to get things out of my head right now. i finished my finals and everything, which was nice i guess. school is weird. i go home tomorrow which im really happy about. i just. im feeling weird i guess (when am i not?). im mostly upset about like, my friendships. well one of them mostly. its mostly just because im so fucking unsocialized, and i dont think people realize how fucked up i actually am about things. ive been clean for a good few months but its creeping back in and im trying really hard not to. ive been eating a lot of ramen and a couple days ago the spicy sauce packet had some of the sauce bubble up on the opened seam, and it looked a lot like a cut. it really upset me and i just had no one to talk about it with. even the friend who i could really talk to about this doesnt really like me now.

my main problem is with my friend who i guess probably one day will read this but she already knows i have grievances against her and were always mad at each other anyways. shes in a horribly abusive relationship and she knows it. and theyre broken up supposedly but she keeps seeing her. she just keeps fucking seeing her. and i keep seeing her seeing her. and i just become so sick and nauseated and angry when i see it. i know its hard for her and everything and i cant possibly know whats going on for her or why she keeps doing it, but i just do not understand whats keeping her there. the only times ive seen her happy in the last years is when shes away from her and not thinking about her. and this girl hates me, hates everything i am, and is openly bigoted against who i am at my core. so why is it so easy for her to spend time with this girl? knowing she doesnt want me alive? is the sex that good that 15 years and all the time and love i put into our friendship means nothing?

i got her a christmas present and i know shell never get me one. she didn't get me anything for my birthday, though i always do for her. i spend so much money and time and effort on her. and all my other friends. but it doesnt matter. why the fuck am i doing it in the first place? i think its mostly just so that they remember me. they can look at something i gave them or made them or something and remember i exist. because i fade so so quickly from their minds, because im just a sort of tertiary person. ..i think im just always going to be destined to be too much. i work too hard. i care too hard. im just so inept i dont know when to back the fuck off and mind my business. or get the signal.

im thinking of giving her an ultimatum, that she can either be my friend or she can keep sabotating herself and ruining her own life. i'm done being nice about it, i cant stand to care so hard anymore. i get stomach aches from how much i worry about her. and she just doesnt care. im downright pathetic at this point, just grasping onto friendship when it hurts me. i think people were right when they say our friendship is too hard. it shouldnt be hard. but its always hard with me.
i've been thinking a lot about how i got dumped too. whats pathetic is how long ago it was. and yet the only romantic things ive had happen to me in an entire year were unsafe, with strangers, or so so deeply fucked up and wrong. im deeply deeply deeply yearning lately. maybe its all the BL dramas ive been watching, they make me need it. i just want someone to like me. its funny how ive had multiple relationships but never really been liked for who i am, or seriously, or anything. or at least not in a way i wanted. im just needy i guess, like he said-but-didnt-say. or clingy, or whatever else he meant. why is he still in my brain, i fucking hate that idiot. an idiot, a genuine idiot.

the only people who really love me are my parents. and theyre far away. and too similar to me. fuck, man. i dont want to be 20.

10/27/2025
(10:30 PM) today I washed out the moldy coffee in my mug i watched princess mononoke in class i learned karate and i layed on the floor and cried to jazz music. i wrote a poem too it goes like this:
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I am scared to write this poem
and i am scared to read it.

But i am more scared that if i do not write this poem unspooling from within my head,
it will abandon me.
And I will only become more
scared to write a poem or
read it to the people
I am doubly scared will
abandon me.

instead,
i must abandon fear.
I must leave it behind, violently
unspool it from my head,
hold it in my hands,
unravel it from my fingers,
and drop it on the ground and
walk away, with fear behind me.
If i do not, i will be
afraid forever.
I must leave it before it makes all I call mine;

my voice,
my hand,
my head,
my people,
and even my ground below me,
leave me first.
and abandon me like I am
so scared of.

So often I feel with an
idea
i must
"get it out";

and I am scared for all the
inevitable abandonments

that will
happen if i dont.

but if I really want
to live with rather than without,

i must abandon fear first.

So i am writing to you this poem,
on the sketchbook pages I am scared to
ruin and with the pen I am scared to use
too much and with the mindhandvoice I am
scared to lose—

And i am ending my poem here.
with no fear in me.
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and would you look at that: