mc is going to school again
updates when i feel like updating backround image for this box by teng yung han

11/2/2024
(11:13 PM) i was gonna write something, but now im not. i think im being attacked by my own head. i cant do this anymore. i need a kiss. why is it all coming back..

10/27/2025
(10:30 PM) today I washed out the moldy coffee in my mug i watched princess mononoke in class i learned karate and i layed on the floor and cried to jazz music. i wrote a poem too it goes like this:
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I am scared to write this poem
and i am scared to read it.


But i am more scared that if i do not write this poem unspooling from within my head,
it will abandon me.
And I will only become more
scared to write a poem or
read it to the people
I am doubly scared will
abandon me.


instead,
i must abandon fear.
I must leave it behind, violently
unspool it from my head,
hold it in my hands,
unravel it from my fingers,
and drop it on the ground and
walk away, with fear behind me.
If i do not, i will be
afraid forever.
I must leave it before it makes all I call mine;


my voice,
my hand,
my head,
my people,
and even my ground below me,
leave me first.
and abandon me like I am
so scared of.


So often I feel with an
idea
i must
"get it out";


and I am scared for all the
inevitable abandonments


that will
happen if i dont.


but if I really want
to live with rather than without,


i must abandon fear first.


So i am writing to you this poem,
on the sketchbook pages I am scared to
ruin and with the pen I am scared to use
too much and with the mindhandvoice I am
scared to lose—


And i am ending my poem here.
with no fear in me.
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and would you look at that:

8/21/2025
(4:12 PM) Well ok this is weird. so i'm at school again. would you believe! i'll talk about it more another time. im feeling a good 50% terrified 50% excited 70% homesick 10% regular sick 73% resigned and 99% frenetically looking for the thing that finally fixes me. so thats a good 352% of feelings.
im trying to start this up again. maybe it will help and maybe i'll give up. who cares? thats the future.