college freshman year blog!THE WHOLE WORLD IS FUCKED
updates... Sometimes....?

11/7/2024
(8:31 PM) i dont think i want to be alive anymore

11/3/2024
(12:22 pm) remember in sophomore year when i thought i had cotards sydrome and i thought i was dead kinda and i was in philosophy class and having an actual episode during class because i was like everyone is talking about me and no one can know that i know im dead and i think im dead and im not alive because im crazy and they all think im crazy. And now im kinda questioning that again. and I think im perfectly healthy WHAAAATTT im alive guys just so you know so i know. wasnt that crazy

10/27/2024
(7:59 PM) i fucking hate my entire life.
i like watching my dog dream.

10/23/2024
10:44 PM) i feel like there's something horrible and strong and painful trying to escape me and i cant let it out. i feel like there's a mondter in my chest clawing away at my ribs and insides and tearing apart the tissue and sinew and soon to be carrion. and its trying to get out. every night something needs to escape from me, i nto get it out. i really dont want this pain pain pain lpain pain pain pain anymore i think i might not feel totally sane anymore something within me is splintering and breaking and cracking and shaytering and it needs to get out i hate this beast or whatever but i need it and its bloody and sharp. please get jt out. i dont think the workd likes me too much. this f eels like too much one man can endure. . irs all too much for me and ifs too much right now and forever and ill never feel the same ever again and it will always be rhis way and never end

10/20/2024
the smell of black arctic fox is bringing me back. it's reminding me im the same man/boy i was sitting on the bathtub's edge with my mom behind me or on the floor blasting mcr with the ugly natural black dye rereading the instructions 100 times feeling cliche but finally like i had a choice. my scalps still always itchy and hands still always stained blueblack but i needed this. it's been too long that ive been trying for something perfect, something pinterest, something to impress. but i like black hair and i like shininess and i even like it when my brown roots show a little. there still some grey but hopefully it'll look cool. i've been listening to a lot of my chemical romance again and even though they are still the most comforting and motivating and life affirming theyve always been it feels different now. it feels like all that rage and power was worth something anf i love it i just love it so much
ill update you all on all the other shit going on in my life rn- there's a lot. long and short of it: suspended from school until ?, back home, depressed again, fighting authority or at least trying! hahaha what have i become. i'm an adult isnt that weird. i'm excited to watch mcr again tonight, ill try to do all the updatey stuff maybe when all of this is over. hope youre all well

9/17/2024
(8:44 PM) hi friends! oh my god guys... i just realized i've been in college for a WHOLE MONTH! A WHOLE MONTH ALREADY!! isnt that insane. wow! i surprisingly feel.... together? i feel like im actually figuring this shit out. which was my goal. i'm learning! i'm working! im MAKING FRIENDS!!! i'm actually astounded at how ive made friends. i feel like a whole different person. it seems like its out of character for me... like im a side character who's arc ended so now im just along for the ride and the writers kinda dont know what to do with me. but i'm also having to figure out how ive become flanderized and lost parts of myself and gained new ones. my friends are so fun! i love my friends nicole and nazlee and vivian and more... i've been meeting people and they like me. it's strange. i still feel like im obviously no one's first choice, but i'm being picked! people want to spend time with me! they want to study with me, and eat meals with me! I dont exactly know how to deal with it... i hope they're telling the truth and they aren't just seeing me out of convenience. ive been misgendered a lot and stuff though, which IDK if i love. i have to re-define myself socially, and it's really difficult. everyone in high school knew me as the weird quiet tranny. now i dont know what i am... no one knows who i am... i have no reputation! although supposedly MIA is fucking spreading rumors about me and zoe! WHAT IS THIS 5TH GRADE!? shes saying we bullied her in elementary school??? as if she wasn't a veritable Vriska our whole 9 year all-girls school experience together and i have to talk about her in therapy. zoe is taking it in stride because she wasn't as fucked up by mia as i was... i feel like she kinda doesn't believe me. but she isnt as fucked up about friendship as me anyways. im learning how insecure i can be even as an adult now... idk. it's hard to think that i'm an adult in the first place... that this isn't just high school 2. but i've been going out... doing fun things! i got to meet ginger root which was awesome cuz ive bene in love with him for years ahaha.. (AND I LOVE HIS MUSIC!! LMAO) .. i got to see kikuo again! i'm getting little treats every night and being RESPONSIBLE... how am i good at my hoemwork now?? idk! self-initiative is really weird. i dont know if i like being an adult anymore. but i have to basically be one forever now sooooooo. Well that's tough to think about. when does it get better? when does it get easy.......? Hm?

i do get to have fun though.. even as an adult! i played splatoon all weekend... it was really bittersweet. i got to play with paul (hi paul!) which was SO much fun. i love my internet friends. so much! they've really been the ones getting me through all of this. i miss everyone and i can never miss my internet friends. they're right there! i love when i realize they're real people. i call them or share stories with them and i realize their lives are lives and not just the brief glimpses i know of from inside my screen. i love people. also on the note of adult but fun im SOOOO back into gravity falls which makes me feel great! it's so amazing. they made it for me.! dipper pines ... where are you..... IN MY HEART! THAT'S WHERE!

on another note i think i have a little bit of a crush on a girl. weird to think about! she's older and kind of dominant so i think im just being strangely gay about it. she's in one of my classes and spoke about evangelion and twin peaks with me for like 2 hours and it was kind of sexy i dont even know im like kinda confused but she said she loves to fuck little gay boys and i was like WHAHAHAH YEAHAH SOOO fuNFunny aahahahha omg Is that sooooo. I'm so embarassed. i'm like a little kid to her... i dont even know... romance has been plagueing me and myf riends and it's making me kinda crazy. i hate needing romance but i just like to have fun. i don't wanna date anyone... i just wanna have fun... im so gay what the freak! maybe that's being an adult? aahh! but i dont even wanna "have fun"... i just like talking to people. i love people. fuck a kinda sad song just came on. guys im gona talk a little about (AMERICAN) politics. IM SORRY.

the political landscape is REALLY scary right now. im trying not to let it eat at me but i feel like. well, i'm scared. i'm just scared. listening to stuck in the 90's by moxy fruvous (ionly know a few songs by them, supposedly a member sucks allegations wise which is too bad... but i like this song. it's very college boy music) and i'm reminded that the world doesn't change thta much when it changes drastically. what the fuck is my place in a country? i hate living in this world! i love living. but the world wants me to die. i'm really afraid that i will be killed (ideologically). i'm really afraid for the election. like really really afraid. a grand swath of this wide country does not want life for me. i feel very stuck. i'm paralyzed by fear. and i wish i could act out and make a difference, but i feel like i may never be listened to. like i have never been. and that i will be a victim of a system that hates me. like i always have been. the world is so unforgiving. i hate capitalism. and i hate republicans. and i hate moderates. and i hate democrats! and i hate to hate! i hate it! i'm filled with upset, like im boiling up. but i feel like a scared lamb! never before has an election been this scary for me- in 2016 i was only 10 years old, i didnt understand how any of it worked and what would happen. it feels like the world is just so ... it's just. i dont have the words but it's so anti-life. and i'm scared. im really scared those who will cheat will cheat again and nothing will ever change. and only get worse when the heat death of the universe approaches and the earth melts and we have no choice and all fucking die! and i want to live i want to live SO BAD.

back to the romance, i'm still fucked up about getting dumped. it sucks! i'm sad about it. i'm not even sad HE broke up with me, it could have been anyone. which is a terrible thing to say to be honest. he was special but he wasn't that special. i think ebing a teenager was fucking stupid. and im fucking stupid! maaaaan! i hope he returns to my blog and realizes i password protected the old blog and if he reads this the password is sleepinginthebeetlebug . yeah fuck you! i think youre a moron! (wheatley voice) I AM NOT A MORON!!!!! whatever. this dude is tired! (me!) and im tired of people who waste my time! (YOU!) . im being childish right now but thats okay because im an adult.

i hope people read my dumb blog. did you guys see my updates to the jirachi section? i know paul did, thanks dude! this entry is getting really long. i have therapy tomorrow and maybe ill finally tell her about the fact that i run a journal blog? idk! my classes are fun and i like focusing entirely on them. some of them are kinda hard or kinda unengaging but thats okay, i love learning. i'm scared but im having fun and the days are short.
the days are really short now.


(9:19 PM) ADDENDUM: I really like the song "song against sex" by neutral milk hotel. i feel seen

8/17/2024
(10:52 PM) HELLO EVERYONE. welcome to my NEW BLOG for ... MY FRESHMAN YEAR OF COLLEGE! today is/was my first day. I still cannot cannot cannot believe im in college and im in a new city in a new place with new people with a NEW LIFE! IM FREAKING OUT!!!! i really really miss home already of course. my allergies are going crazy. im sort of melancholy because im a little lonley! a little is an understatement. my room is really far away from everything– and dont get me wrong! im super happy w it. its huuuuuuuuge with SUPER high ceilings and its tucked away under the stairs and i like not having a roommate, im just lonely! im all alone in my tiny box! what the heeeeeeeelllll is goooooiinggg onnnnn! i keep meeting people sort of and there r some nice ppl i already knew here - as well as some of my best friends from back home who r going to schools next door - but this is FREAKY. im straight up an adult. i have responsibilities and stuff. AAAH. and im all alone! i miss my parents a lot. i didnt get to spend a ton of time with them before i left, and today was mostly crazy stressful so i didnt get amazing time with them. im feeling pretty alone rn, no one in my sponsor (ppl in nearby rooms... well. not nearby but same floor? im genuinely alone in this room like its far from everyone) r okay but sort of boring and i havent gotten to meet any for real since theyre all room mates with each other and stuff. and im yet again sort of the odd one out. there seem to be some other cool people? maybe? i dont knooooow. im excited for classes to begin but im still scared. im also reaaally tired rn. man. my refrigerator is really loud! it's like WHRRRRRR in a high pitched tone. man. MAN! i dont know what im in for. and im not sure how im gonna deal with living alone! but its okay. ill make it. i'm not sure what else to say... the campus is pretty! it's aiight. i mostly just am a little hungry and miss my home and wish my summer was longer. so i could really make the most of it. anyways..... that's all for now. ill update as much as i can! i love you! byebye~ < 3