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3/22/24
(12:40 AM) hi blog. ive missed you. i just need someone to talk to right now. i'm on my phone which is a little hard. i thought about cutting myself tonight so i wanted to write it down somewhere. im scared lately. and an ious. i have a stomach a he. my life is reallt great but tonight im scared. my life changes forever in a week. and i think no one likes me and im hard to be around. i know i should sleep and ill feel better when i wake up, but i just want to wallow right now. or have someone like me.i dont know. everything is so big right now. nothing feels normal, i dont know what to do! and i cant make any decisions. i feel like everyone is upset with me. i think i make everyones lives a lot harder. im so tired and im so scared right now. i dont know. i hope sayingthis all doesnt ruin my chance for the Descisions next week. my entire life is on the line. god my stomach hurts. it really hurts. i m not gonna hurt myself but i really want to because i think inside its a little too much right now. i have t cried in a while . not out of happiness that is. i just dont mnow right now there is just a lot right nowZ im sure to orrow will be better. bht i just want a little glimmer right now, yknow? i miss it all before. everythings been so strange. and so much soo so so much. i have to cancel my next therapy appointment

1/15/24
(11:28 AM) guys i think i have bpd or something idk whats wrong with me ok DONT GET ME WRONG. my life is REALLY GREAT right now im super happy.but also i am so debilitatingly insecure its killing me. my brain is telling me so much stupid shit about people hating me or thinking im annoying and im flip flopping between OH MY GODDD HE LIKES MEEEEE MY LIFE IS SO GREATTT and Oh my god youre tricking him into thinking youre cool and sooner or later hes gonna realize youre fucking crazy. i wish the world taught people to be blunt and communicate and not be nice all the time because i cant tell if aaaaaanythigni s reaaaallll.... i just ate half of a sausage sandwich and it looked really good but now i have a stomach ache and its making me feel weird.... id ont know why i cant just let myself have fun i sabotage any chance i get at just having fun. thats why last summer was so fun becasue i was so drunk i stopped caring if my friends liked me or not i was just allowing myself to have fun. AND YET I WAS STILL SO INSECURE! FUCK! maybe im just scared hes doign what ive done so many times and pretending for my sake. i think ive been taking it too fast i need to slow down and work through my stupid brain before i can move forward.... i wish i was a girl sometimes i think it would be easier that way. because i could just be deranged and wear red lipstick and tie my hair up all messy and scream and learn piano and have real damage. but no! nightmare nightmare nightmare. i turned off the instagram active now thing and thats for the better. because every "sent 37 minutes ago, active 4 minutes ago" only made me feel worse. why does everyone ignore me? i dont think anyone actually wants to be around me i should go back to being likeable and mysterious and funny and not insane. i hate this! guys i am so wishy washy with my emotions! i was so so so happy .... and now i think ive ruined it... its fine im gonna go to the museum and see art which is good. this shit is eating me alive! i wish i could talk to someone about my emotions but hey ive got you. blog. hiiii. i wonder if anyone is actually reading my entries? if so hi austin and hi mike and hi the random people ive followed. WHO KNOWS! if you did read this and i just said hi to you dont say somethign about it to me because thats just like. validation porn. i think my childhood friendships did actually mess me up and arent just something weird to mention. me when im bossy and annoying and she wishes we never met and doesnt know why were even friends in the first place. WELL! ill update you guys later if i feel better. overall things have been really really wonderful i just am having a weird dip of feeling terrible. my stomach hurts and im only 1/3 of the way through that sandwich. god damn! okay bye

1/10/24
(1:16 PM) HELLO! today is my first real day of school, and it is WONDERFUL!
everything is great. my life is so sweet...
i just got back from walking to the gas station with 2 dollars in my pocket to get an arizona iced tea during my free block, it was raining! i borrowed milo's umbrella and walked up and down the street listening to the amélie soundtrack which is SO WONDERFUL!
on MONDAY, i went to the boy i like's house.... which i guess i can stop using a fake name.. i dont know why i was doing that.. but i went to Charlie's house... on saturday he texted me while i was in the car with alice and brandon and henry and told me that he liked me... and i WAS SO SCARED! i thought it was a joke... or fake.. or he was high or something... but i was at a party and left my phone on silent and me ands my friends had fun playing games and doing a gift exchange (although i didnt get anything.... and then later the person who had me for the secret santa gave me a "EW PEOPLE" shirt from hot topic!? what!!!!! i dont even know where to start....) btu then me and charlie ended up talking for hours and i told him i liked him back and it was a little awkward but. it was really nice... we ended up on a note of "i dont know!". but then
MONDAY
i went to his house... kaitlyn (who set us up and has been trying to make us fall in love for months) gave me flowers to give to him. and i did.. anjd then we stood in his room not knowing what to do... and so we put on amélie which is one of my favourite movies EVER! and is now solidified as really important and the best movie ever. BECAUSE AT THE END hwen they have the wonderful kiss scene...

^that one if the embed works.... atfter the movie ended i decided to do what the moral of the story is and take a chance... so i recreated the scene and he returned and we both kissed.... AND IT WAS SO AMAZING! i've had kisses before but never this.... REAL!? it was amazing i dont even know what to say. i think im in love!!!!!! and then we sat there for another couple hours jsut talking and watching things and sometimes kissing.. oh my god.... GUYS! what even is my life... its so perfect. everything is so perfect right now! one second i gtg to class ill come back later to talk more heheh...
(6:13 PM) hiiii im back... i went to a nice park by the bay that was built on a landfill with kyra and alice and madison and it was nice! i love the weather lately.. so rainy and overcast its my favouriteeeeee...
anyway! MONDAY! it was so crazy... we just started losing our minds laughing and spent most of the time just laughing and giggling and talking and hes just so funny and sort of nervous and awkward and its really cute... he asked me if i wanted to be his boyfriend it felt so REAL and so SPECIAL. like nothing ever before.... when we kissed the last time i had to go on my tippy toes because hes so tall... golly gee...i feel like my life is such a movie! i know thats cliche but it really does feel that way... I'm trying to take chances and do everything and its so fun! i love DOING things! goshhhhh.... the semester just started and its going to be so wonderful... i finished all my college applications... i have tons of fun classes... im confident and trying new things... MAN! everything is really... everything is everything! i love you blog :) i love you anyone who is reading this :). your life is amazing! my life is amazing! EVERYTHING IS AMAZING! i wish i could feel like this forever and i think i will! everything will be amazing forever. signing off!

1/1/24
(11:12 PM) hello! HELLO!!!!!!!
it's been so long! hello blog ...!! HAPPY NEW YEAR! ITS 2024!!!!
ive been so crazy busy with college applications that ive been neglecting you! but im finished with them now! im so sorry jejunocity! but im back, and I FEEL SO GOOD! ! ! ! ! ! my life is BEAUTIFUL!!!!!
i finished my apps and my life is AMAZING! yesterday for new years eve i went and saw THE DRESDEN DOLLS which i neeeever NEVER thought would happen! and it was SOOOOOOOO GOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!! they were SO OOOOO O O O OO AMAZING!!! they played so many songs i love- and it was just sooooo incredible. and OMGOMGOMG!!! THE BEST PART! at one point in the show they stopped between songs, and amanda palmer went "is anyone here a young person? this next song is for you young people? who here is young?" and i went "MEEEEE!!!" and jumped up and down! and she POINTED AT ME!!!! and then went "how old are you?" and i went "me!? im 17!!!!" and she went "17!? wow!! 17 years old.. youre so beautiful!" and moved onto the nwxt person... BEAUTIFUL!!! SHE CALLED ME BEAUTIFUL!!!! ! ! ! ! ! ! GUSYSSSS!! and then today i sent an instagram message to the band saying how much they meant to me and how i love them... and THEY ANSWERED!! ! ! ! LOOK!!!!
Screenshot-2024-01-01-at-11-17-45-PM
god... IT WAS SUCH A GOOD SHOW! i cried so much and my makeup got all messed up and my mascara ran in one amazing tear line down my cheek... GOD I HAD SO MUCH FUN! and it was just such a good beginning to my year. OH OH OYM GODALSO! they played War Pigs by black sabbath!? and my DAD has this joke wehre he yells PLAY WAR PIGS!! at shows or will whisper it to me and that song specifically is an inside joke... AND THEY PLAYED IT!?!??!?!?!? I WENT CRAZY!!!! ! ! ! it was jsut so much fun and i left feeling so wonderful.... 2024 is gonna be AMAZING!
IN OTHER NEWS...... TOMORROW IS MY BIRTHDAY! and by tomorrow i mean in 40 minutes!??!?!?! (its 11:22 right now)..*note i actually was born at 1:45 so i have an extra 2 hours or so after that but SEMANTICS!!!!
18 YEARS OLD! 18... EIGHTEEN! can you guys believe that!? AN ADULT! im gonna be AN ADULT!!!! i cant believe it. i feel like i should be all messed up about it but i dont feel too bad... MY CHILDHOOD IS OFFICIALLY ... OVER!? what !! ! ! !! god.. i cant wait for the rest of my life! oh my god im crying....
im just so excited for the rest of my life... tomorrow is gonna be a blast. im having a party at this pinball arcade i love and its gonna be so much fun and my friends are gonna be there and im just so happy.... you guys really dont understand this is... THE HAPPIEST that i have been in so long! I feel AMAZING ! ! ! ! ! god... i love my life! im so happy. i cant believe i made it this far.... ireally never thought id make it to being AN ADULT!! ill still be a kid of course...but WOW!! man... everything is so wonderful and the world is just so beautiful..... everything makes me happy. i love you guys so much and i love everything. i cant wait to see what else happens to me in my life and everything ill get to see and everyone ill get to meet and im just so thankful for everyone and everything.. i love you website! i love you internet! i love you computer! i love you keyboard! i love you hands! i love you ME! i think this is all going to be so special. and im so excited to be there! im just so excited.
GOODBYE FOR NOW! SEE YOU SOON!

12/1/23
(9:44 AM) wow it's been a while! EVEN LONGER THAN A BIT WHICH IS WHAT I ALWAYS SAY! i havent been able to update in a while because ive been super busy with a ton of stuff. i had to finish my applications for the UC colleges, which was really tough. Im supposed to be working on my app for stanford right now but i have a stomach ache right now, i ate too many sweets. i also went to an anime convention last weekend which was really fun! i cosplayed eileen from regular show, aradia, and ramona flowers which was pretty fun. (SPEAKING OF I WATCHED THE SCOTT PILGRIM ANIME IT WAS AWESOME!!!) on the first day i went with the scott (oops.. naming convention revealed hahaha) guy i mentioned before, hes so nice! it was his birthday yesterday and im working on making him a little stuffed doll and some cute fleece paws. i hope he likes them! he gave me his hoodie at the convention and i kept it (sort of on accident on purpose.. but dont tell him that he he) so i have to give that back. we went on a double date sort of thing with my friend of 12 years and her girlfriend.. they totally ship us. but me and scott get along so well its kind of scary. im waiting for the other shoe to drop but hes just really nice and funny and stuff. and cute! hahaha.
ive actually been having a pretty good time lately. i was rlly miserable on tuesday and wednesday because i was super sick. i rollerskated all sunday when i was ramona so i was super worn out, but the scott guy gave me his cold and i had a 101 DEGREE FEVER FOR 2 DAYS!!! IT WAS SO BAD!!! but i feel sorta better now. im really tired but in a pretty good mood! my life isnt so bad right now. i CANNOT believe its december already! thats sooooo crazy. december is my favorite month so im really excited. onwards to mt last 32 days of being a legal child.... ahh!!! im almost 18 thats crazy. im excited though! I take birthdays way too seriously. shoot i just remembered i have an essay i havent finished. ill finish that soon... it was due in october 0_0. ive been so sick lately i didnt finish a lot of my work. woops. anyway... things have been really nice. ive been hanging out with my friends a lot, working on oil paintings and drawing... doing pretyy well on my schoolwork... and ive been reading a lot! i forgot i love reading. im reading The Great Believers by Rebecca Makkai right now which is HUGE but really good. ahhh my wrist is still broken. it hurtssss. blehhhh. i might get new glasses soon so thats cool! man, i gotta finish my shrine page. AND THE REST OF THIS SITE! ive been totally lacking. i keep having time na dthen using it to just watch youtube. oopsies. well, i gotta get back to my college stuff... ill see you later! bye byeeee~

11/9/23
(9:25 AM) hi its been a little bit... I SAID THAT LAST TIME! its been a while. i had a really good halloween, and ive had a really good couple of weeks... i finished a lot of missing schoolwork since i was sick, ive been making cool art (OIL PAINTING.. WHAT!!!), ive been reading, a ton of stuff. i just finished Angels in America by tony kushner.... it totally struck me. im strucken! it was completely mind bending and beautiful and tragic and fastastic. i really loved it, i hope i can see a performance of it (id love to be in it... id totally want to be prior or maybe louis....)
im also kind of going on a sort of date later today... i mean i dont know if it is one but i think anything can be a date if you really like the perosn and I REALLY LIKE THE PERSON AAHHH!!! hes really funny and sweet.... ill call him scott for this i dont want my secrets broadcast for the WOOOOORLD... we drew on a whiteboard for 3 hours the other day and we played minecraft and katamari and hes so funny and really nice and his art OHHH his art. it makes me crazy! he kinda makes me crazy! i only know him because my friend kaitlyn was like you gotta meet my friend scott youd love him youd fall in love and have babies ans i was like no way! but ill give it a try... and I THINK SHES RIGHT!!! because we get along really well and were kidn of like the same person!?!?!?!? we have the same interests and so much alike... even down to super niche videos weve seen or bands we like.... ahhhhh!!!!! AAHHHHHH!!! im super gay and stupid aaahhh fuck my stupid baka life. we have matching discord icons which is like CARDINAL SIN. but thats just the way its gotta be sometimes yfeel??....

rose lalonde attack sprite... ive been a little obsessed w the homestuck art assets on homestuck.net. theyre so fun to look at. I LOVE !!!IT. aahhh!!!! my life has been really nice lately. i dont know what to think! im a little scared because what if all this goodness means some bad will come... like calm before the storm and all- but thats the fucking komaeda thinkstyle I CANNOT BE 14 AGAIN!!!! aaaaaahhhhhh aaaaaahhhhhhhh!!! IM YELLING IM SCREAMING!!!!!!
anyway... im also writing college applications which is kind of scary. i hope i can sound cool. i hope they like me! its hard to write about your entire life when youve only lived SO LITTLE! i hope i make it through. im listening to scott's music reccomendation which is really nice.... he makes me want to make more art. AND IVE ONLY KNOWN HIM A LITTLE OVER A WEEK! AAAAHHH! FML. sorry... hes kind of occupying my brain. i hope im gonna be funny and charming later... we're going to goodwill to find clothing to match eileen and rigby from regular show because i invited him to the convention like a crazy person! theres something wrong with me. blahaouhsdofusdpgomhfjgosdkhpfnokhdlfxkgn. oh shit i have to go respond to an email bye bye i love you!

10/26/23
(6:06PM) hiiii its been a little bit... I've had a ton going on!!! i went to the east coast to look at colleges whiuch was CRAZYYY!!!! YOU KNOW WHAT SUCKSS!?!? my favourite was yale. I REALLY LIKED IT IT WAS SO COOOOOOL!!!!! i wenrt there this summer it seemed sooooo awesome. its so impossible!!! but im gonna work really really hard and get in. Ill do whatever i can. i also went to maine and massachussets and the corner of new hampshire and rhode islaaaand and connecticut and eveerywhere! that was so cool- it was so pretty everywhere we went and I had never exprienced the orange and red and yellow leaves like that... WOW! i just ate a ton of peanut M and ms sorry. I really liked the east coast im very scared of going there if i go there for college because its sooo far away and i will always want to go home! after that i got really sick i had covid for a week and a half i never tested positive but i felt it . So i stayed home and slept in the basement and got really really depressed. i was so sad. i seriously could not function i barely ate i did nothing. i also watched fionna and cake which was reaaaalllly goooooood. i really like simon- but everyone does. hes just super relatable! I want to become a doctor like that not like a doctor doctor but. like a doctorate doctor. i want to go "im an antiquarian dammit!" and go on adventures. i also really liked him and betty their relationship makes me T_T. soooo emotional. i dont have a boy friend any more but its okay because it was sort of coming and it was impractical. plus i really want to find love! one day. WHEN IM OLDER!! kaitlyn keep ssaying she wants me to "get married and have babies" with her friend charlie- hes really cool and nice! he also likes homestuck so thats awesome for me. Im gonna be a weeping angel for halloween so im getting that started soon, and for fan expo in november im gonna be either simon or rui for one day (maybe both???) and then probably terezi a nother day. im excited i think im gonna get free tickets so thats awesome! im in a weirdly good mood RIGHT NOW- i was pretty sad earlier because i went to go get chicken with my friends and we bickered the whle time because im "a contrarian".. i just dont like what they like! and i felt really bad about it. I hope brandon and milo dont think im a total whiny asshole.. i dont really care what henry thinks becaue hes my friend (i think he likes me? i dont know if he sees our friendship as much as i do... i really cant tell....) but actuallhy no im kinda scared abt that too. I shouldnt have sat with hima nd steven on the way home- i don't know steven and it was really awkward i was just sitting there playing proseka until he left. I hate feeling like a weird alien! im writing my college essay about that nad my love for humanity. i hope it works out... i have some rough ideas right now- im supposed to be writing right no whahahha but im doing this. this is helping! im doing okay in my classes not amazing but pretty good. im doing well in japanese though! i think my teacher really likes me, that makes me happy. she nominated me for the exchange trip!!! IM SO EXCITED! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
although i think im gonna have to lose weight and cut my hair and look a bit fresher and better before i go. and whiten my teeth too. im scared because im gonna have to stay with a japanese family and i dont want them to think im like a fat stupid sweaty american loser. im not fat but i am certainly not average or thin so that bothers me. its so hard to find good clothing! and to look like a boy. i look very.. not that. Im also so oooo oooo oo short. im not im 5'6 but i feel really short. and stout! like a tea pot. im trying to do dances from proseka to get exercise and im also trying to make my diet better (oops... m and ms....) ( i just moved them away).... i also drank a ton of soda today. oopsies. well anyway im trying to get better with that so i can feel better and not be achey an dsick and also just to match my future vision for myself. im not gonna stop eating or anything- not yet at least- cuz i need food for brain stuff (JUST LIKE L FROM DEATH NOTE. I NEED THAT!!!) but im gonna try being healthier an dhaving less snacks and stuff. jsut trying to be healthy cuz i realized when i exercise i think better and get happier.. i almost have the dance to niccori survey team down! :D this is the dance:

ITS SO OOO FUNNNN! ! ! ! i love wonderland x showtime's songs... they are the beest. okay... i dont have naything else im thinking right now but maybe ill check back. OH YEAH IM SEEING THE FNAF MOVIE TOMORROW ILL REPORT BACK ON HOW IT IS. ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! bai baiii

10/2/23
(9:39 AM) I was thinking this the night before last, when i couldn't sleep at all and was tossing and turning and choking up with tears at 2 AM already: It's strange and scary to think that my life is going to change forever in ~10 months. It will absolutely never be the same. my routine and my life will be entirely different. there will be no tv after dinner in bed, no roast chicken and enchiladas and albondigas and matzo ball soup and chrissy teigen's pork thing and pancakes on sunday and my whole life is going tobe different. it's all going to change. no more my spot on the couch. no more time to wake up honey. no more driving and dibs on the radio. no more peanuts at fort funston. no more beach day and golden gate park and everything ive ever known. its all going to be different. no more turn at dinner on the record player. im scared. im going to miss my life so much. i really am not ready to grow up. my life is too special to me.

9/25/23
(6:19 PM) okay ive had a few caffinated teas so im feeling like writing today has been hard its a college writing day which means its a procrastination day and i have like 7 short essay things i have to do in a month which are kinda crazy but im hoping doing this blog will help with all the other apps stuff too. oh yeah for college. im not so good at this whole writing thing. fuckukkkkfkkkckkkkkk. actually im screwed. fuuuck. actually its fine. i shouldn't have to go to school for the next couple months i think im getting so stressed im getting sick. also i think my hair's falling out. ive been really depressed lately and have only been picked up by lots of caffeine? which really sucks. i got kyra a celsius and those things are terrifying. only thing making me too happy lately is project sekai which is sort of really sad because when im at my lowest i always default back on that weeb shit but honestly its whats best for me. they make me so happy!
i really tried to learn the dance to niccori survey team but im gonna try again. too hard? but im gonna try again because i need exercise. i think this is sorta helping me write but i really think my parents are like crazy disappointed in me. because it takes me 6 hours to write 200 words. and im only at like 100 so not even. fuck. i GOTTA make stuff. but these next months its impossible. why is shit so hard??? i guess ill never know. i kind of hate him. im really bothered by anyone who isnt freya or henry right now. i feel like theyre the only people who actually like me? i think a little bit of everything is wrong with me. i hate philosophy because i know nothing. fuck i am out of my depth. im sort of an idiot but whatever. ALSO I NEED TO STOP SHOPPING! IM WASTING TONS OF MONEY!! AAAH! though... Miku figurine.... goodnight my friends i hope i sleep tonight.

9/18/23
(9:30) im in class right now and im supposed to be writing a paper but instead im listening to history lesson pt.II and feeling weird and nostalgic about music. and also a little out of place. ive got some punk friends at school but i really dont know if were on the same page. one of them said im "one of the real ones- he might not look like it but he's one of the only non-posers here" to their friends. theyre all really obsessed with poseurs but i dont think i really care that much. or maybe i do? i dont know if i belong because i dont sew dystopia patches on my hats and smoke a pack a day but i think thats fine? im sort of just dorky. and i like music and i like going to shows. sometimes i do silly makeup and facepaint and shit and wear big shoes but its not like im trying to fill anyones- i just think its fun. another friend said i was a "bay scene nepo baby" because of my parents and the magazine and whatever but im not rich or anything. some of these kids live in planned neighborhoods built on garbage dumps and ive seen their fancy staircases and 90s-00s renovated white and balsa houses like the neighbors- and i know theyre just as whatever as me but i guess theres different types. supposedly i wouldnt like any of that group's friends because i dont smoke and dont like "hanging around doing nothing not even speaking just sitting at the bonfire". i think i could if i wanted to- but i reiterate the sort of dorky kid thing. i dont really know if im cool or something. or if i even play an insturment. im trying really hard but cant really get past the same few songs. i guess i could stop just doing covers and write some of my own shit but that seems kinda difficult. and i dont really have the time. or friends to do it with. idk what im really trying to do? i guess ill figure it out in college or something. do punk kids have nails like mine? do they have my navy blue dee dee ramone hair?? do they have a stupid anime phone case? its like harper- tons of followers but i know their whole life and acted with them and wandered around their hometown and just got depressed. i guess im whatever i say i am. but i dont really think im anything. im sorta some guy (i guess). i dont really think im anything "yet". maybe yet is the key?? fuck, i dont know. ive made negative progress on this essay.... all my updates are at 9 am.. weird!

9/15/23
(9:52 am) sorry i haven't updated in so long, its been really busy or something. not entirely, because i still have time to sit there bored scrolling on Instagram or something, which im trying to get off of but keep getting pulled back in by friends. i just have to force myself to stop watching the diet videos and outfit checks and random guys complaining about music i dont even like. my headphones broke again, everyones just telling me to buy new ones but they still work and theyre great so im just gonna get the 20 buck replacement parts off amazon. hopefully it wont become some sort of theseus' ship thing. this is my 4th year with them and they are one of my most special posessions even if the leather is falling off and the hinges keep snapping and the plastic is cracked.
everything's sort of fucked up right now, im really going crazy about college stuff. i only have a month and a half to lay out my whole life story, and my friends are all saying we cant have fun until january. fuck, i just learned how to!
i also keep taking the hour twice a week i get without class to sleep in instead of writing essays and stuff like im supposed to, i think im really falling behind. i also need to lose weight, i look really stupid when i see myself and i can feel my body slowing down. im always achey and tired and sick. i have a cold right now- and nothing is helping me feel better. i sort of just dont want to do anything. i really miss my best friend but we havent talked in a long time. ive been really on and off having fun- sometimes this hedonistic feeling grabs me and i want to get up and dance and be silly, but then i remember how these months are gonna be so *much*... and define the rest of my life...
i really missed out on high school, i think. i didn't have high school, really. i wish i had friends sooner. or wasnt so scared. i wish i talked here more... a few weeks in and everything is mostly fine but i am just very stressed out.. my headphones being broken is really making me upset. and my fingers hurt from typing because i never learned how to type not only on my index and middle fingers because i played too many online games as a little kid. i dont think that listening to a lot of dinosaur jr and rainer maria is helping me, but the droney guitar stuff is really encapsulating it all right now.
im going to a protest tomorrow, against a TERF group in the city, but i have a weird feeling no one is going to show up. i think no one really cares all that much. im scared if i go they'll hurt me- but i know that wont happen. i got mad at my boyfriend yesterday and i think most of my friends really dont like me. i dont know how to be likeable and i think they think im really crazy. or just delusional or something. or stupid. i dont know...

8/25/23
(9:33 am) today's my second real day, i woke up too early because the car needs new tires and breaks and I imagined what would happen without the breaks because we go so fast. it's not so hot anymore but cold again but its humid. humid is the most depressing weather, it only gets like this in the worst times and always feels like when youre about to sneeze but can't- or like postnasal drip going down your throat or something. My sinuses are all dry and the coffee is not helping it's making me feel worse. I dont even like coffee it just sort of sounded right because i was so exhausted this morning i forgot the DVDs of Wonderfalls I was gonna share with grace. sip of coffee and its bitter and i feel sick and ennui-able. fixing my posture. My right earring hole hurts which feels really profound or something. the opening in the small hoop got caught in the unhealed hole and i had to push it back through. I think people are sort of sick of me or mad at me but i know its just how this all makes me feel. its been 2 years since i got my ears pierced and they still havent healed in the slightest. i dont know what i did wrong! I cleaned them out and everything. i think it's like math, i lost the saline solution and forgot to clean them one time the same way i skipped my multiplication homework one time in 3rd grade and after that all of it is over for me. I still don't know how to do my multiplications. My ear is really itchy- i'll update later. its still so early, let's hope my ears heal by the time 4th period ends and i catch the probably delayed train home. with how much music i blast into my ears, you'd think they'd be more resilient; there's no reason to be mad at them. they're just surviving with my decisions the same way I am. update later---

8/23/23
this is my first blog entry...i just restarted beach life in death twice and closed discord and messages because i needed to find the right thought and i just restarted it again. right before i typed this. The train line in the beginning makes me think about how the train got stopped at Bayshore today because of a fatality on the tracks. it sort of feels like some sort of omen (but i only realized it now) that my first day of senior year someone dies on the train tracks at my station, right before i got there. oh yeah, it was my first day of senior year today. of high school that is. the guitars and bass just kicked in in the song.
i woke up at 5am and left the house at 5:15 and picked up simone at 5:30 and got driven by my half asleep dad for half an hour to school so i could get there at 6 for "senior sunrise" (i never came out to my friends we were all on skype) (she said whats with this dog motif i said) DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING AGAINST .... (?) (dogs) and i saw all my friends early in the morning and i saw henry and it seemed the same as when he was rolling on the floor with a blanket, eyes red, before freya left. like- really high. even though he (fugitive from th elaws of nature-CUTSCENE-Video) (I DONT WANT TO GO IN SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaAaAANE)(speaking of my (schizophrenia) [voice has been cracking a lot lately] (ocean [misspelled as coean]) was acting pretty normal. i was describing my dream dish a few moments before somewhat of an egg-cheese-tomato-salami-something skillet abomination. freya had to hear the whole thing a couple times around (dont know if we're) (yet) (running out of drugs to try and i) [i cannot type this part because i will end it] and i miss her so much. 1 day without her at school and it is very different. best friends are hard to have and friends are hard to conceptualize like a really delicious nonexistent meal you want when youre high. after i met up with my friends we made a poster for the freshmen with hatsune miku on it because i thought it would be funny ((INSERT PHOTO WHEN I FIGURE OUT HOW)) and then we had donuts and bagels and i laughed and screamed with my friends and it was really fun and then we stood for an hour screaming at cars to honk and kyra and i going "HONK FOR MIKU!!!!"-very fun. (i accidentally muted the song) (while typing "hilarious") [groceries].
then we had assembly and kyra and i sat on the floor and i could feel freya between us when i rested my head on her shoulder. She didnt die or anything she moved to kyrgystan. (EARS) long story (and i hoped it was for me) (guitar) but i miss her already. I dont know if im the train or the tracks or the jumper or the (children were not listening) blood (kissing and singing-ing). or the delay? (fundamental schemas fucked) i was so happy today (cult, face, colors, Face). (ocean again... ill come back to him). my classes were alright and i'm happy to have 7/8 art and humanities courses which is what i love. i think this year will be fun. despite the omens. girl in class said this year seems like every other year- or like that we just had a really long 3 day weekend of summer (DO SHIT!) (SHI SHI SHI SHI SHI SHI SHI SHI SHI SHIT) the song ended. The song ended and when my day ended i got on the train and i walked to the train in the boiling heat with my hoodie in my arms and my leather bag strap hitting my collarbone and my shirt looking almost triangular in some places and i got to the train and i took the train and then it stopped and there came the omen again. I wonder if ill go back to 9-10th grade delusions. of luck and grandeur and fate and whatever else i passed off befroe i discovered Humanity. almost all thanks to the incredible power of Friends at School. I wonder if any will read this... i dont think im going to share it with that many people except my online friends. I hopei get into college and have fun. I hope its fun. I lvoe to learn and i hope its fun and i get to find where my brain .. fits.
i keep sending every image i can find of those fucked up japanese toy poodles on instagram to freya and im honestly really scared of all of the tiny toy breed dogs with the blood in their eyes who have to summon up all their courage just to make a bark akin to a squeaking door hinge when youre trying to sneak out your bedroom door at night i wonder how they might feel some internal yearn for the way their ancestors could howl. i want to howl. laughing with my friends feels almost as howling should. i wonder what their reactions were at the station. i wonder who saw what happened.
i wonder so many things and i never write them and thats why i made this blog. its really hard to do and CSS and HTML were very hard to do and im still struggling with it but i hope to keep it up and make this nice. i think i can make some sort of home for myself. For my howling and for my omens and for my half-lyrics. for senior year! goodnight everyone.